Crusht

Kevin went back to college Tuesday, and Steff Niessl has five boyfriends, and that is what this post is going to be about.

Today, we're going to list the pros and cons of all of Steff's love interests and all of my love interests and see which ones are best for us. Kind of like Eure did with Disney princesses. All names have been changed.

-STEFF NIESSL-
1.) Drake Marnes
Oh, Drake Marnes. Now, I guess a lot has happened in the past few days, because Steff is now dating Drake Marnes. Do I approve? Heck no. Drake's gums are enormous. He has a thin little upper lip, like a bird, and a whole mouthful of gums. He kind of looks like Butthead and acts like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead, and goes around talking about the dankness of particular nuggz. He's kind of lame, and he's a sophomore. However, I do believe this is a control issue, and the only reason Steff is doing this to me (and, I guess, to herself) is because she can't control anything in her own life and so she needs to control SOMEONE. Maybe she'll get over it. I actually hope so. To be fair, I'll list a few good things about him...uh, he, uh...

2.) Willy Finn
Now, Willy Finn is probably the cutest out of the bachelors. One problem arises, and that is that he's... a freshman. Now, sometimes freshmen are okay, but usually they're struck by that freshman immaturity that pisses me off. He's kind of sketchy, too, but entirely harmless. I know his brother Mike and he's a good guy, their house is nice, their hot tub...a bit gross because of the naked hot tub club. HOWEVER, Willy Finn is a sweet little boy with a nice voice and I approve. I think Steff should be with Willy Finn.

3.) Gill Trofee
God don't even get me started on this b-hole. He lives 6 hours away and seems to feel that he has some sort of claim on Steff. Everytime us ladies try to throw a pants-off dance-off party he keeps Steff up on the phone behind the Christmas tree for like 4 hours. It drives me insane. He's ALSO a freshman, only he's a complete tool. I guess they're fighting, and Steff actually cares, so I'll be nice. But he's a real donkey, and I think she should tell him that. He needs to understand that 1.) he's 12 2.) he lives 6 hours away 3.) that Steff's a grown ass woman and can do what she wants 4.) that he's a whiney little girl 5.) he can't make nasty jokes about her because she doesn't give a crap and 6.) that he lost to Drake Marnes. CRUSHT.
4.) Ike Burra
Awww, Ikey. He's adorable. I really like Ike. He's friendly and cute and funny, he's a sweety. He's a senior though, and so he'll be going to college in a few months. I don't know if Steff does the serious relationship thing, but if she fell for him, he'd leave and that would be a drag. I think most people who are reading this know and like Ike, and hey, everyone should. The only real problem is Steff is too scared to talk to him or touch his butt, and so this relationship won't ever take off. She's with Drake now anyway. But who cares, he doesn't even really count. Anyway, Ike rules, but Steff's a chicken.

Now we'll move on and assess the many loves of...

-THE ICE RASTA-
1.) Devyn Rhymes
Deeeeevyyyyn....Rhyyymessss... I love this kid. He's pretty sweet. He's 6'3, weighs 200lbs, drives a truck, and is pretty much the biggest BAMF ever, in the words of my boy Dane. I like Devyn because he's super manly, really. He can pick me up by my legs and carry me over a mile against my will, bench 250, curl over my body weight, and kill anyone with his bare hands. We also rock out together basically all the time. We brought Dispatch together for a final show because we have magical powers. He carries his keys on a carabiner. We brought Rage back together for a show in LA, we found the cure for cancer, and we rule. We are also in love. The only downside to this one is that Devyn is like 54. Well, there are more downsides, but we'll keep this classy. Devyn wins, flawless victory.

2.) Clam Harish
Oh, Clam. What's there to say about Clam? We met, he's English and has an accent, and I fell in love. He fell in love too, a little more than I did, so I had to tell him to peace out. He asked me to commit to him or something, and I said heck no. Following that incident, I realized he smokes crack, and said heck no. I don't smoke crack. Well I do but only sometimes. He does basically all the time. I'd be rocking out, he'd be smoking rocks, and that just doesn't work for me. He also just told me a story about having a party with 15-20 people and only knocking out a thirty-six pack and a bottle of Captain. I told him he was a wuss. He should have taken down 13 eighteens and a bottle of Medouri. What a girl. Clam loses.

3.) The Goof
Oh, The Goof. What a weird ass. I don't even know why he's on this list since half the time I hate him and half the time I think he's funny looking. Well scratch that, he's funny looking all the time. I go through stages where I either hate the Goof or love him, and I guess right now I love him so I'll write about him. I love the Goof because well, he's a goof and that's all there is to it. He's albino and has funny hair. He's cute in that lab rat sort of way, and because he's hilarious and awkward. I hope he doesn't fall in love with me though, that would be gross.

4.) Tristan Mousley
Tristan's pretty cute, and kind of manly as well. Devyn wants to challenge him to an arm wrestle, but it wouldn't really be much of a contest. I'd still like to see it, though. The thing about Tristan is he's kind of a wang and entirely mediocre. I met him through a friend, and now he treats that friend like crap so we basically severed all ties. That, and the fact that he was a rebound. But that's niether here nor there. Tristan's cute, and he's kinda funny, but other than that he just sucks. I haven't talked to him in over a month, either, and the fact that I have no desire to pretty much means nothing good will come out of this one. Sorry, duuuude.

THE WINNERS:

LO AND BEHOLD, WE HAVE OURSELVES SOME WINNERS!
Steff belongs with Willy Finn, and I should be in love with Devyn Rhymes. Which I am. Steff messed up though, but she knows that. The funny thing is, Willy's brother is Devyn's age, so it'd be like me and Steff (same age) dating brothers who are...35 years apart. Cute! I rule.

Steff, listen to me. I love you.